Dangerick Moves: My DM debut, part one

Note: This post contains spoilers from Dungeons & Dragons vs. Rick and Morty “Lost Dungeon of Rickedness” campaign.

General explanation for my alleged social life.

I’m stoked to report that my first run as dungeon master was nowhere near as messy as I’d initially predicted.

Unsure of my off-the-cuff skillz, I took a few simple steps to mitigate likely issues:

  • I went by the book. I used “The Lost Dungeon of Rickedness: Big Rick Energy” campaign and improvised as needed. I read through the adventure ahead of time and did some advance brainstorming of where I could get weirder with it.
  • I kept the party small. I had three players pilfered from our regular bimonthly D&D group: our primary DM, a guy who has been gaming since before I was born, & a fellow relative newbie to tabletop gaming.
  • I did not drink. I’m perfectly capable of peopleing sober and I am grossly offended that you would insinuate otherwise, you fuck.

We didn’t do bad either, we cleared 8 of 39 rooms in a roughly 2 hour session and experienced only one party-member death — it was the tank and it was well fucking deserved.

After the cut is a rough narrative of the first 4 rooms. I’ll cover the second half of our adventure next week.

They descended into the dungeon with few complaints.

Meatface failed a dex roll and tumbled down the stairs, landing soft in a pile of damp sludge — the sound of his descent stirring bat-like creatures from where they hung in the rafters.

It was Kiir that determined the creatures were sturges. It was the party’s collective senses that determined the soft, moist shit clinging to the walls was indeed shit.

“I am about to say prestidigitation so hard…”

Upon realizing that they were descending into a room full of screeching murder monsters and months of hot feces, Keth froze up his fingers digging into the staircase guardrail as he muttered “Oh jeez, oh, oh jeez.”

Ultimately, it was Meatface’s dumbfuck slashing and Keth’s blindly tossed daggers that put an end to the three winged terrors — not before they nearly ended the wizard.

Kiir had a rough time with the dice, fumbling and knocking himself stupid several times, even managing to get poop inside his mouth. Prestidigitation became analogous to hand sanitizer.

As the party trudged on toward the next chamber — everyone did a perception check. Truly, it was Kiir’s perception that mattered as he was the only one who spoke Goblin. Unfortunately, he had a shit roll and couldn’t hear a damn thing.

Meatface heard voices speaking in a strange language, spurring him to burst into the room with his axe raised.

In the second room, the party, led by Meatface, charged two goblins — opting for the old “kill them all and let their heathen god sort it out” plan.

As far as they knew, the two goblins only sin was hanging out in a dimly lit, shit-lined dungeon while complaining loudly about their lazy, useless friend Jerry — a detail nobody in the party paused to pick up.

While combat rattled on, failson Kiir used his turns to try to persuade the goblins that the party meant them no harm while managing to consistently roll embarrassingly low.

Meatface’s talk consisted of monosyllabic taunts as he hacked at the two creatures with his ax.

The goblins begged for an explanation as to why they were being attacked, half-heartedly fought back, and eventually tried to escape. In the end, neither got away.

I had a low-key freakout because the book said to let one of them get away, but Meatface had some motherfucking rage issues and I couldn’t find an elegant way to sneak either out of the room. Luckily, it worked out okay in the end.

After stealing a trifling amount of coin from the dismembered goblin corpses, the trio moved on, opting to spend a stupid amount of time investigating the statue-ass statues in the next room.

Kiir tried to convince his fellow adventures to destroy the Rick statues because “He’s just an asshole.” But between a -1 persuasion modifier and a prodigious amount of bad rolls, Kiir that ended up being door bitch, revealing two long hallways.

*Licks lips* “Ooooh, geez, awwww fuuuuuckk!”

Ultimately, the party took the hallway toward the Magic Mouth Room. It was Keth that opened that door and his reaction — upon seeing the giant slobbering wall mouth — was to mutter “oooh, geez” in a provocative manner and attempt to slam the door on the rest of the party.

Unfortunately, bad rolls were catching and Meatface pushed through, robbing Keth of his desired private time with the giant hole making sucky-sucky noises. 

Long story short, the party could not solve the riddle and all of their belongings poofed out of existence. Worse yet, the mouth disappeared, leaving Keth with a whole lot of feelings.

Before we had time to roll for hanging dong, the three went back and pilfered rags from the hacked-up bodies of the goblins.

Slightly covered in the too-small, bloody clothes stolen from their goblin victims, the party doubled back to the Magic Mouth Room.

Keth expressed a deep distress that the moist, puckering mouth had not reappeared. The rest of the party collectively shuddered.

Unfortunately, the room was empty and would remain so. The magic had gone.

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