Portlantic City, session one: DM’s materials

Here are some of the clippings from my Dr. Marc Dresden case file on Bannock’s lookout. Peruse at your own risk…

Newspaper clipping #1

That first sentence, MAN!

PORTLANTIC CITY — Mr. Hank Franklin, of Portlantic City’s Newbury neighborhood, has reported that his family farm is short three heads of cattle and a rather nice wood bucket they purchased from a mustachioed craftsman at the Saturday market three months ago. The livestock and bucket were reported missing this Friday morning.

“I was just using the bucket yesterday,” Franklin laments. “T’was holding the filth I was cleanin’ out of old Betsy’s pen.” He reports it was a good, sturdy bucket and he’s always had good luck with goods produced by men with voluminous facial hair.

Police Chief Jerkin reports no major leads in the theft as of this afternoon. A statement released by the Portlantic City Police Department Friday assesses the theft to be an isolated event.

“We always encourage folks to lock up their valuables,” Constable Frank Hanklin said between gulps of coffee during a face-to-face interview at Nancy’s Cafe in downtown Portlantic City. “Never good to leave things out where ne’er do wells can get at ‘em. I done told ol’ Hank, he’s my cousin you know, but he likes to show folks how good he’s doing. Vanity comes at a price.”

Newspaper clipping #2

PORTLANTIC CITY — A series of strange lights was reported last night in the Bannock’s Lookout region of the city.

Several local citizens reported seeing the lights, including Mr. Franklin, Mr. Cosmos, and Mr. Bungle in the Newbury neighborhood; and Mr. Gustav, Mr. Allen, and Mr. Meeps of the abutting downtown neighborhood of Skidsby.

Franklin, who recently lost a rather nice bucket and some cows to a prowler on his farm, located at 365 Willamette Drive, sent his cousin, Constable Frank Hanklin, to the Portlantic City Review offices to speak on his behalf.

Ol’ Hank shoulda listened to his cousin who knows some shit!

“Ol’ Hank’s shakin’ in his boots, you know,” Hanklin intimated. “Don’t know what to think. Said mayhaps it’s time to pack up the house and head down to California. Heard good things about Ol’ California, sunshine and palm trees they say. No lights in the sky or bucket thiefs in their papers, I’d reckon.”

Police records showed that the accounts were largely consistent, describing a bright green light descending from a cloudbank and into the trees — the phenomenon was reported to be seen approaching both the north and east faces of the mount. Several men reported that even their women and children experienced the glow.

“If Fanny could see it, I knew I wasn’t going insane,” Mr. Cosmos said in his statement to the police. “Woman was born without any corneas but started screaming and thrashing about. Green light everywhere, said she! Don’t worry I ethered that harpy good and fried my egg just right this morning.”

The Portlantic City Police are asking anyone with additional sightings or information to file a report as they continue investigating the phenomena.

Book snippet #1

I have collected several plaster casts of oversized footprints found in the Bannock’s hill areas, some picked up strange brown or gray fibers, otherwise unseen in the mud. In fact, for all the casts I have successfully made, there are ten times as much observed or flubbed as the cast process is quite delicate.

Though I have become quite adept at casting these footprints and my prowess is well-known among my colleagues at Miskalamette University.

Book snippet #2

The data is astounding. These are not just sightings of cryptids or extraterrestrials, but both at the same time and tied together by common geography. My continued research into this co-phenomena has led me to believe that they are inextricably linked. That what we are dealing with is not just a sasquatch or a site visited by extraterrestrials, but an extraterrestrial sasquatch.

Through painstaking research I expect we’re looking for a creature of more than seven feet in height, with an unbelievable weight and a penis that has to hang down to it’s ankles. I swear, I’ve seen the traces of it dragging through the mud as the creature walks. 

This may be the greatest discovery any man has ever made.

About the author

Dr. Marc Dresden is a professor and writer working out of Portlantic City’s prestigious Miskalamette University. Dresden holds PhDs in statistics and physical chemistry. 

He is an avid outdoorsman and has written five books on his treks into the wilderness including his latest work, “Dresden’s Grand Theory.”

He lives in Portlantic City with his hedgehog, Hog Barker, and volunteers for the local parks and trail services.

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